It's 4:00 a.m and after another rough night I felt as though I needed some sort of outlet. I'm in no way a great writer, I'm not an expert in this topic, a counselor etc. I'm a woman in love with a 'functioning alcoholic' this is the title he believes he falls under and to some extent I believe this to be true. He's a successful firefighter in a large city, has no problem being on the job for 72 hours without a drop of alcohol, he never misses work or shows up late and he's very responsible with his bills and the majority of people in our life have no idea that he has a drinking problem.
At home I feel like I live in a bit of a private hell. I feel embarrassed admitting these problems because it shows just how weak I am. Something I've never been. I've overcome so much and have always come out stronger and better than ever. This time I feel so lost, confused, weak and alone. Most people say 'why are you still with him'? 'You need to get out' simple right? My response is always the same, I know I should leave him, I need to. So why haven't I?
Every night is the same, always an excuse to drink, some sort of celebration, something he's stressed about, something I've done that has driven him to drink. I make the same mistakes every time, after he's had about 10-12 beers he makes some type of snide remark and I respond with an irritating whining complaint about how mean he is and how hurt I am. Two years ago if a man had treated me even slightly bad, I just cut all ties abruptly. Life is too short to be unhappy, right? In the past week alone I have been called 'a fu***** bi***', a slut, a whore, an incessant nag, anti social, boring... I've been told that I make him completely miserable and have had this 33 year old man say 'You never want me to have fun, you won't let me have friends, I want to go out and party with my friends like I used to before you made my life miserable' mind you this was after partying with his friends Saturday and Sunday for his birthday, Thursday for 4th of July and again Friday for our neighborhood after 4th block party.
He says he needs to quit but doesn't know how. He promises to change and doesn't and while he isn't as mean sober, he still blames me for how unhappy he is and why he drinks so much. I remember hearing that his ex said he was an alcoholic, his friends who I'm all close with have talked about his drinking problems but none will cross that line and talk to him about it. His mom who is a wonderful woman, a very intelligent physician who ended her marriage to his father because of his drinking, tells me she can't say anything to him because he will not listen, she along with my own mother, who grew up with an alcoholic father, both say he will have to hit rock bottom before he will quit. I'm so afraid of that, I don't want to see him hit bottom, I don't think he's strong enough to battle through that.
I don't know if this is going to be a blog, a one time rant of a sleep deprived, broken woman who doesn't know where else to turn or something else but it does feel good to vent and I know it will only be a matter of hours before our next fight so I may keep coming back so I can say things I can't say to him. Please, Lord give me the strength to get through this day with him.
